In this video psychologist Guy Winch eloquently describes how our minds trick ourselves into self torment.
He explains how the rational side of your mind tells you that your heartbreak is being sustained by repeating the happy and poignant memories of the person who has left you; even though you know there were bad memories too!
If you’ve ever had your heart broken badly, somewhere deep inside, you know the following fact. You know that if someone can treat you like crap then you really are better off without them … And yet … the irrational part of your brain still keeps taking you back to that sense of loss, of being betrayed, that longing to be close to them, for them to make your heartache go away, to get them to understand how much you love them so they will breakdown and yearn to be back with you … STOP!
After hearing Guy comparing that loop of thinking to drug addiction that last sentence is the equivalent to opium! Basically you have to recognise that you are totally addicted to wanting to feel emotion related to your ex just so they can still play a part in your life; also in the deluded hope that thinking about them and everything that led up to and including the breakup will in some way cure you or make them repent and come back.
What’s more, if you are someone who wears their heart on their sleeve, you don’t want to let go! Because if you let go it goes against everything you believe in: loyalty, true love, friendship, family!
Does any of this sound familiar?
If it does then great, because FEEL4 is about to help improve your situation and lead you to feeling better about what has happened to you.
First of all – if you are new to FEEL4 – you need to be aware that when you use FEEL4 the right way, you always agree to make a commitment to thinking positively and with goodness leading your decisions. So let’s take a look at how you have been going against the very essence of using FEEL4 and how you have instead been focusing on the negatives. The following should show you why you have been trapped in the unhealthy state of heartache and loss.
FOCUS: I am focusing on the getting over the pain of what my ex has done to me by focusing on the memories and thoughts we shared and my deadline to get this done is indefinitely…
ENERGIZE: I am energizing myself to achieve this focus by:
– Not going out much
– Avoiding the things that will make me feel better
– Repeating the thought of getting back together and healing the pain that has been unleashed
ENGAGE: I am going to make myself feel better by engaging with these actions:
– Looking through old photographs and videos each day
– Looking on their social media profile each day
– Recalling memories each day
– Discussing my photographs, videos and memories with whoever will listen
– Using anything that was associated to our relationship as an excuse to recall the happier memories
– Dulling my pain via quick fixes such as alcohol and chocolate
LEARN: I have learnt that:
– I truly loved them
– I need to get back with them to stop my heartache
– I felt better when I was with them
Let’s stop this here. Can you spot why you and many other people (at one point me included) do not move on from a painful relationship breakup? If you cannot spot why, if you are convincing yourself that this does not describe your exact feelings and that you have so much more baggage that makes you the one person who is excused from this example, then you are deluding yourself. Thinking the latter means you are the biggest addict going and you will keep going until you overdose and either see the truth in what has been said or die of a broken heart. Sad but true.
Oh PS: If you are thinking, “Good, if I die from a broken heart that will teach them, they will feel guilty for all the pain they have caused, being dead will finally get vengeance” then holy crap – STOP – WAKE UP – THEY DO NOT GIVE A SH*T ABOUT YOU IN THE WAY YOUR MIND IS TRICKING YOU TO BELIEVE. This is harsh but also 100% true!
SO – Let’s get to the good bit! Here is how you should use FEEL4 moving forward to inject a little bit of fun cold turkey into your thinking, starting right now. Be good. Be positive. Be brave. Love yourself. Now is your time to shine. Your ex was just a stepping stone to bring you to something even you did not think you were worthy of receiving. Something SO MUCH better.
FOCUS: I am focusing on travelling the world by the end of the year
ENERGIZE: I am energized to do this because:
– I know travelling is a cure for heartbreak, it generates new thoughts and experiences
– I have always wanted to travel around the world and because of what has happened this is my opportunity
– I am more likely to meet someone new and better by getting out and travelling than I am sitting in my home on the sofa – fact!
– I have always wanted to see where Mumma Mia was filmed and now I can
– I have always wanted to do travel vlogging and this will launch my career
ENGAGE & LEARN: I am engaging with these actions as soon as possible:
1. Going online and checking out my best options (flight or cruise) and the costs
1.1 I have learnt that flying will get me around the world more cheaply and faster, it will also mean I can get to more specific places I want to visit
1.1.1 Booking my flight by end of the day
2. Asking work how much leave I can take in one go
2.1 I learnt that being truthful about the reasons I wanted to travel made my boss very understanding and they offered a month off work fully paid
3. Inviting a friend over to help me plan my trip and inviting them to join me
3.1 I learnt that my friend had better ideas than I did and so it is beneficial to share the experience
3.2 I learnt that I felt so much lighter and better by planning all this and having a positive goal to aim for
Can you see how the latter places you into a much healthier state of mind to grow new experiences which will place any heartache into the part of your brain labelled “Distant Memories”?
FEEL4 provides a simple but very effective framework to helping you map out a path which will improve a situation you are facing.
As always, please join in and add a comment below or start a discussion in the community. I hope this post has helped you see a ray of hope that your heartache can be overcome, you just have to FEEL4 it!